"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."
"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor."
"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."
"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"