When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I... - Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

"I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor."

"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"This book comes with its very own logo (logo sold separately)."

"Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth."