"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."
"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."
"I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out."
"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."
"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."