Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."

"Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush."

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink."

"I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor."

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."