"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."
"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."
"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."
"I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out."
"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."