"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."
"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"This book comes with its very own logo (logo sold separately)."
"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."