"Hoping to win the lottery to escape your existence is like waiting on a unicorn to give you a ride out of town. If you’re interested, I’m selling saddles."
"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."
"I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I'll bring the foreplay, if you bring the guacamole. (Yes, I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)"
"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."
"His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?"
"What is the shape of love? Is it shaped like you? For me it is, but for you maybe it is shaped like me."