"Hoping to win the lottery to escape your existence is like waiting on a unicorn to give you a ride out of town. If you’re interested, I’m selling saddles."
"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."
"I don’t want my love with her to wither like grapes on a vine, so I’ll water it with romance to turn it into wine."
"If it’s the last kiss, we’d better make it last. I hope you don’t have anywhere to be, because I have the rest of my life free."
"My shadow follows me during the day, and then surrounds me at night as it clones itself into complete darkness. Now that’s self-love."
"Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths."