"I asked for info, and he offered it for a price. Now I’m selling him my security services, and if he doesn’t pay me, I’m going to give him a karate lesson—for free."
"I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat."
"I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade, just like grandpa."
"Using my nipples as bait, I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites, but nothing to write about in Field & Stream."
"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."
"There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't."