#humour

"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

"...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible."The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."

"Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke."

"Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards"

"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons."

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,"he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability."

"On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time."

"Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't."

"I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?"

"Many people find bald, unvarnished truths so disturbing, they prefer to ram their heads in the sand and start dreaming at the first sign of scientific reality."

"Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay."

"You realise you’re going to owe me dinner after this, right?”“How does McDonald’s sound?”“Inadequate."

"The boy knew that escaping school was the surest sign of his election."

"I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?"

"For any given problem, if there's a simple solution it will already have been applied. So, perhaps, the solution isn't as simple as you think."

"Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay."

"I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like."