"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."