Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."

"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."