Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."

"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."

"I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."