Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."

"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."

"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."

"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."

"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."