Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."

"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."

"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."

"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."

"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."

"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."

"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."

"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."