More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."