More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."
"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."