More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."