More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants."
"If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother."