More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42."
"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."