"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."
"I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."