I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a t... - Rodney Dangerfield

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."