Rodney Dangerfield

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."