I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the wor... - Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time."

"Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely."

"Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists."

"I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral."

"The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger."