I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the wor... - Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to."

"Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are."

"When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box."

"Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave."

"Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did."