She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with.... - Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine."

"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."

"Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave."

"There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up."