I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church peo... - George Carlin

"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."

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"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."
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"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
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"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."