I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot... - George Carlin

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"