I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot... - George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"