I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot... - George Carlin

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."