I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as m... - George Carlin

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."