George Carlin

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I"in independence, individuality and integrity."

"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."