George Carlin

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I"in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I"in independence, individuality and integrity."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning"

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"