George Carlin

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."