George Carlin

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."