"I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and went and inhabited the body of my clone. So I wasn’t in my body, and yet I was. Or maybe none of that happened, and I was just in a delirious, sleep-deprived state."
"A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil."
"I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know how to operate a hammer."
"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."
"Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress."
"I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After all, I’m only interested in making you happy."