Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - George Carlin

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"