"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."
"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."