"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."
"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."