"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."
"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."
"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"
"I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it."
"Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry."
"If a company won't hire you, why don't you start your own company? Steve Jobs created jobs, he didn't apply for them. #Startup your dreams."