I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading acc... - Steven Wright
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."