I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading acc... - Steven Wright

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."