I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading acc... - Steven Wright

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."