What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - Steven Wright

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."