What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - Steven Wright

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."