What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - Steven Wright

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"