More quotes by Steven Wright

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."
"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."