Steven Wright

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."