Steven Wright

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram."