Steven Wright

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."