Steven Wright

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for."

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."