If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two ce... - Steven Wright

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."