More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."
"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."
"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."
"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."
"I gave her a hundred dollar bill. She said, “Thanks, how can I repay you?” I replied, “Two fifties would be good, but three fifties would be better."