"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines."
"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."