"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated."
"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."