"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."
"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."
"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."