More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."
"I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was."
"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."