"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her."
"My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."