"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive."
"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."
"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."