"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance."
"I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."