"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."