"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too."
"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."
"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."
"They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants."