"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster."
"I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff."
"Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name."
"The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss."
"I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob."