"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."
"I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side."
"My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly."
"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."
"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."