I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bo... - Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there."

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about."

"My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time."

"I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less."