"Apparently I’m transparent—with my feelings, not with my body. I’m an emotional ghost, and if you can’t see my love for you it’s because it’s dead."
"Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships."
"I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love."
"I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount."
"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."
"Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?"