More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."
"If you’re going to hang around and watch me write, you might as well have a noose around your neck. Would you mind if I kicked the chair out from under your feet? You’re standing on my only place to sit."
"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."
"I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is one for the price of two only."
"The best part about being a writer is being able to communicate with people without moving my lips. The mouth is better used for kissing."