"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"
"Electricity is really just organized lightning"
"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."