More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."
"Let me just pause a minute and drink in this moment. And if you film it, I’ll be able to get free refills for life."
"I knocked on her door twice. The second time was from the inside. That’s how love works. At first you want in, and then you want out."
"Read her poetry before you make love to her. That way she’ll be asleep when you do. I’m as romantic as a rocking chair with wheels."
"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."