Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dre... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"He’s right-handed, so I told him to draw his self-portrait with his left hand, because it’d look so ugly it’d look realistic. Since he’s a DC politician, I figured a little reality was needed in his life."

"75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive."

"I bleed ink for her, because her name is written on my heart. She’s the author of all the love I have to give."

"She had coffee-colored eyes, if java were blue-green, and we made love like nobody was watching, which is probably why the audience demanded a refund for our poor performance."

"As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I’ll pen our love story, if you’ll be my co-author."