Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dre... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."

"Every day I’m growing as a man. I’m not growing in height, but rather I’m growing in love, which makes me seem taller than I really am."

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"Love may make you feel blue, love may make you feel green, and sometimes love may even make you feel turquoise or teal. Depression and envy get all the pretty shades of description, and I love that, but in a pink/purple kind of way."

"The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze."