More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."
"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."
"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."
"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."