More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."
"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."
"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."
"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."
"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."