Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."

"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."

"Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times."

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."

"Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?"

"If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead."

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?"