Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."

"Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?"

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead."

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"I am my own clone. I’m not who I was yesterday, but then again I am."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!"

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."

"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."