Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now."

"There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead."

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop."

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."

"Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times."

"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."

"Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?"

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."