More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."
"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."
"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."
"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."
"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."