There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moo... - George Carlin

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."