There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moo... - George Carlin

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."