I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot... - George Carlin

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."