"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."
"I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover."
"I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musical."
"If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?"
"Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes."
"I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot."