I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because... - Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

"I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."

"When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it."