I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because... - Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"