I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because... - Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.
"I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out."
"I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out."
"I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor."
"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."
"When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it."