I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because... - Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."

"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."